The Bachelorette Recap: Wind in Her Sails

Things are getting serious on The Bachelorette, which ran it back with another contrived, unintentionally hilarious, and over-the-top dramatic episode tonight.

Who prevailed when Emily treated eight men to a special day on the water at the Bermuda Yacht Club? Who came up empty while the winners celebrated?

Who tried to impress Em by referring to her as a possible "trophy wife" (always smart), and who actually charmed her into getting a rose at the end of the day?

Follow this link for a rundown of The Bachelorette spoilers we know now, including the (alleged) final three. Then read on for THG's +/- Bachelorette recap!

It's bright and early and Chris calls the guys together to tell them there will be three dates this week: a one-on-one, a two-on-one, and a group date. And all of them will be happening in Bermuda. From there dates will happen at various places around the world. Plus 20.

Emily has Ricki on this international trip. And she can't wait to come back here with her husband. And possibly pregnant. AND pushing a stroller. Simmer down, Emily's Ovaries. Minus 5.

Arie found the first card. Doug got the one-on-one date. Alejandro's jealous. I forgot Alejandro was even here. Chances are Emily did too.

All the guys are cheering and jeering at Doug and Arie says he's ready for the Bromance to end among all the guys. Doug's nervous and Arie says it's easy to push his buttons. So all of the guys push his buttons together to completely psych him out before his date with Emily. Plus 10.

Emily says she feels like she and Doug have known each other for years. Their date consists at first of walking around the town, talking, checking into shops, and eating food from street vendors. It seems like the perfect day. Plus 5.

Doug tells her that he recently started a charity to show his son that one person can change the world. Then he tells her about the awkward moment she walked into and she's impressed that he felt comfortable enough to tell her. And then they write his son a note. And I got a cavity from all the sugar dripping off the screen. Plus 10.

I'm not sure if "Bermudian" is a word, but Emily thinks it is. They walk through the Moon Gate and make a wish. Her wish? That she won't be single forever. Like that wasn't obvious. Minus 20.

Emily and Doug meet up for dinner. Emily thinks Doug's hiding something from her. His answers are always too perfect and positive. She wants to know what complaints his ex girlfriends would have and then tells him even his answers to those questions are perfect. He turns it around on her and her flaws are that she doesn't get out of her pajamas sometimes and runs errands in them. That's when she realizes that maybe she asked the wrong question. Minus 35 for the awkward dinner conversation.

It's no surprise that she gives him the rose.

He wants to give her a kiss in return but remembers his Grandpa's lesson: a girl who wants to be kissed will let you know. Doug's biggest downfall? He doesn't make the first move. Man up, Doug. Minus 20.

Emily and eight of the bachelors meet up at the Royal Harbor Yacht Club to do a little sailing. Kalon says this is his element. Ryan says he knows nothing about sailing. They have to team up in groups of four and after learning about the boats, they'll have to race for Emily's affections. Four of them will get more time with her and four of them will go back to the hotel.

Jef, Ryan, Arie, and Kalon are Team Yellow. Charlie, Chris, Sean, and Travis are Team Red.

Team Red's ahead. Team Yellow can't seem to communicate with one another. Emily says she hates watching guys compete. Half way through the race, Team Yellow learns to communicate and pulls ahead of Team Red. But not for long. At the last turn, Team Red's in the lead. Then Team Yellow cuts to the inside corner! Ahh! The suspense!!

Team Yellow wins! Plus 25.

Poor Team Red. Poor Charlie who starts crying on the van ride back to the resort. Minus 20 for the man tears.

Emily's on her date with Team Yellow and before the first drinks are finished, Ryan calls Emily a trophy wife. Minus 40.

Arie Luyendyk, Jr. steals her away for alone time on the beach. Under a blanket. So he can kiss her again. They're time together is short lived since she's on a date with all four of them. But that's okay. He's probably got more ladies waiting in the wings.

Jef wants his alone time with Emily to matter. He really likes who she is, and he really likes hanging out with her. Then he asks her to kiss the booboo he got on the sailboat. And I'm grossed out because kissing booboos is something moms do for their kids. There's a huge, gaping, giant, awkward space where a kiss was supposed to go, but maybe Jef's a little camera shy. Minus 25.

Next up for alone time is Ryan. He says he's very deep as a person. He's not here to impress her, but to make an impression upon her. I'm confused. She calls him on his "I might not love on you" line from last week and he dodges answering her questions. Minus 30. Then he calls her on making out with Arie in front of all the guys last week and says that other girls are watching her and she needs to be a role model. Minus 20. Like Emily said, Ryan knew what he was getting into when he signed up for this.

Emily gives Jef the rose and Ryan calls it "safe."

Kalon McMahon is the only guy from Team Yellow who didn't get any alone time with Emily after the sailing excursion. Probably because of his condescending ways. Plus 10.

Emily doesn't like the idea of the two-on-one date and neither do the guys, John and Nate. At the resort, the guys take a vote on who's coming home. They vote for John because he's older and Chris gets his panties in a twist because he's only 25. Minus 10.

Emily, John, and Nate go cliff diving on their date. I'm hoping Emily doesn't have a wardrobe malfunction in that teeny bikini. Their dinner is awkward, first because it's in a cave, second because they're sitting at the smallest table they could shoehorn into the cave. Nate says "Is that quinoa!?" And then they all decide not to eat. Probably because there's no elbow room. Or because it was quinoa.

Nate admits he was bummed to find out that he was on the two-on-one and says he understands it's because he hasn't really shown her anything of himself yet. So she asks him what he wants her to know. He jumps to family, the way to her ovaries. And then he starts choking up with Man Tears when he talks about his friends. Minus 10

John tells her he'd rather be on the two-on-one than on the group date. He also says he knows he hasn't done much to show her who he is. She says she likes that about him. Plus 10.

So now they're back at the world's smallest table ever and Emily gives the rose to John after telling Nate she doesn't see them together forever. I blame the crying.

All of the dates are over and there's 40 minutes of show left until the Rose Ceremony. So Emily takes some time to do sight words with Ricki. Because, you know, she's a mom.

Alejandro basically begs to stay for another week. Minus 15.

Some of the guys (Arie) think Ryan could go home this week and while Ryan and Emily are spending some time together, Arie decides to cut in. He says his connection to Emily is real and intense and he feels like he needs to protect her. And maybe she needs protecting.

Ryan says in an interview he sees potential in Emily but is called to something bigger. Basically, he wants to be the next Bachelor. Minus 95 for the douchiest move on this show yet.

Emily consoles Sean on the big Team Red loss. Then he kisses her. Plus 25.

Doug and Ryan talk about how they're "more mature" and know that you don't build a relationship on the physical. Their maturity is why neither of them has made a move.

Chris, still feeling the sting from the guys saying he's too young to get it, tells Emily that he's ready to be a father figure and husband. His age doesn't hold him back.

After leaving Emily, he decides to have a conversation with Doug. He wants to know why Doug thinks he's the better man for Emily between the two of them. Doug tells him he's being immature right now. Plus 20 to Doug for calling Chris out on his immaturity and maintaining his maturity while doing it.

Finally, to save us from the Man Drama, Chris the Host shows up to take Emily away for the Rose Ceremony. Finally. Plus 10.

Saying Goodbye:

• Nate (no rose)
• Charlie (no rose)
• Michael (no rose)

EPISODE TOTAL: -200 . SEASON TOTAL: -305

 

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